commander hector "practicing slut" rhineskeep (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
secondthoughts) wrote2023-09-05 10:01 am
secondthoughts) wrote2023-09-05 10:01 am
secondthoughts) wrote2023-09-05 10:01 am
Cw: suicidal discussion
Mithrun's new armor did something to him. Made him a younger version of himself or something.
He was talking about putting himself back in a coma so that he could die by his own choice.
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[ It takes Hector a moment to respond after that. Saving someone who wants to live is easy. Saving someone who doesn't want it is, well... He just thinks himself lucky he hasn't had to do that before. ]
I'd be spooked by something like that, too.
I'm guessing you helped him out of it, then?
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I texted someone else that could get to where he lived, and just tried to talk to him. Had to pin him for a bit in FF guild. Tried to get him to take his armor off.
After a while, he asked me to do it myself. Said he was going to die either way, whether it was someone taking his headset off or whether he took off his armor, and he was really upset about not having a choice anymore.
I know it's just because of what his armor was doing. But I still feel sick.
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That couldn't have been easy, Misteaks. I'm sorry.
I want to say you did the right thing. So long as he himself is still breathing you still saved a life, even if it was against his wishes.
[ In honesty? He doesn't know. Bullshit city, this guy. ]
Are you happy with what you did?
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There's a long pause, typing and erasing and typing again.]
I don't know.
He was crying a lot when he was himself again. I've never seen him cry before.
I'm glad he's safe. But I feel like maybe I hurt him more than I helped.
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[ anyway, ]
Be selfish for a second. I know if you're anything like me, that might be hard. But forget about how he might feel.
Are you happy with what you did?
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Sort of.
I hate what I had to do. But I'm happy he's still here. I was scared to lose him when we just got him back.
Is that bad of me?
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Tell him that the next time you see him. Tell him you're happy that he's alive and that you get to spend more time with him.
Especially when you get a second chance like this. This is rare. You're lucky. Never, ever try to downplay the happiness you get when spending time with someone you care about.
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Never try to downplay your happiness.
...]
Okay.
Okay.
I haven't felt like this in a while. Not since my dad. I wish it stopped making me so scared.
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Almost lost my twin brother.
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But the prospect of losing someone IS scary. And you should say that, too.
I used to know someone who would speak so romantically about death in battle, like it was a good thing. He was so obsessed with it. He had no idea that whenever he started talking about it, he'd terrify me. He thought he was doing me favors by fantasizing about a world where he'd died and I lived on without him, but he wasn't. It made it hard to enjoy the moment with him.
He only stopped when I told him how that made me feel. He never wanted to hurt me, he just got caught up in his own head.
Some people need the reminder.
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Hector stares at the screen a bit, and he feels the heartache pull at the seams of his facade. Who is he doing a disservice by not telling Barret?
...Him, probably. ]
I loved him. More than anything else in the entire world.
So I get it. I know it's complicated when the other person doesn't want to live, but you're still making an impact when you say how happy they make you. Just make sure you say it while you have the chance.
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...]
Was it hard for you when you first had to tell him? How you felt, I mean.
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Our situation was...complicated. But how I felt? And telling him how I felt? Probably the easiest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Never questioned it for a second.
But I know that's rare.
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I think that's what I don't understand. Knowing how to describe how he makes me feel. We like being with each other. But I don't know how to say how happy I am.
I got to see him yesterday. And I want to see him more days. A lot more. And I don't know if he's happy with me, or with somebody else.
Is it okay if I'm still happy with him? I feel if I wait, I'll have to watch him disappear again. But I don't want him to feel he has to hear my feelings if he isn't ready.
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Stop worrying about your word choice. Stop worrying about how he might feel about it. If it's weighing on you, if it's HURTING you, then just say it. The longer you let that sit on you, the harder it is it's gonna be to get rid of it. And if he's gone again? You'll have to sit with that for the rest of your life.
If it's clear you obviously like being around each other, and he hasn't been homophobic towards you? Then the worst thing you can do is wait and worry.
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Okay. I'll have to think about it a little. Now feels really bad.
Mehmet, is it bad to want to do things for other people?
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Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
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[ As much as it hurts to admit, the other guy was right. ]
But it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Help people if they need it. Who cares if it makes you feel good at the same time?
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When Morgan had that armor set on, he said a lot of stuff that hurt. Got after me for a lot of things I've never heard him talk about before. And it makes me wonder if trying to help him is just making him angry with me.
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day of the game, just before it starts (because im evil)
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