letters

[secondthoughts]

it's a love that you cannot replace
a moment caught in time and space
i'm just thankful that i met you, babe

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[secondthoughts]

His name was Thomas.

He hated being called anything else when we weren't in uniform. Tom, Tommy, whatever - he'd scrunch up his nose and tell me to stop. He never told me what his middle name was, so I'd call him any R name I could think of (I really liked calling him Rex, because he was my king. He hated that one the most, but I never told him why I liked it. I regret that now) when I really wanted to get on his nerves. I dunno, he was fun to tease. He'd make these cute faces when he was annoyed with me... It took a lot of effort to stop myself.

We met because he was my commanding officer in the army. You can probably already see why this is a problem, but it just felt like meeting the right person at the wrong time. There was an air about him that was so awe inspiring I just couldn't help but develop something akin to a crush. I tried to ignore them but he keep giving special treatment. I thought it was weird and I thought he was into me, but it was when we had a day off at the same time that we hung out and he told me he felt the same way.

After that, after I got to know him a little more, I fell so hard and so fast. At his core I'm not sure he really belonged to the military. I think he had his sights set on academia but he couldn't afford college on his own, so he decided to serve. He wanted to be an archaeologist. He came across as a weird nerdy guy but he just loved sitting in the dirt. He was so weird, and I mean this in the most affectionate way possible.

He loved poetry. He loved classical literature. The name I chose for Fragment, Hector, came from him. Because one of my most vivid memories of him was sitting at our anniversary dinner, right before we were deployed, beautiful view of San Francisco from the rooftop restaurant, and listening to him dissect Hector's character and mine for about an hour and a half to convince me why exactly I reminded him of the character. I was so flattered, but also embarrassed. I never got around to reading the Iliad because it reminded me too much of him... But maybe on his next birthday I'll pick it up.

He died in combat, in my arms. I was kicked out of the army because our relationship was exposed. But that's not the whole story... Maybe I'll tell you the real reason one day.

I miss him every day, and it's really hard to let go of the regrets of the things we never got to do. I still dream of the house we were going to get when we were both finished with the war. It's why I tell you to tell Mithrun you love him when you get the chance, Barrett. You're super lucky he came back to you. Tell him. You will regret it more not saying it, I can guarantee you.

I laughed a little bit. This turned out really long. I don't even know if I'll ever tell you half this stuff on this note. I guess I haven't really spoken about him since I lost him, so I think it's just nice to write it down. I'm always worried I'm going to forget about him one day. I hope I don't.